The shadowy experiences of our past can resurface whether we want them to or not. Paying attention is the first step to healing and growth. Image credit: Jason Pogacnik via Unsplash.
written by kelsey madaj, lmft
It’s becoming common knowledge that our physical bodies carry memories of the past - both good and bad. Our minds are also skilled at repressing negative experiences as a survival technique. But surviving is different than thriving. Kelsey knows how childhood abuse shows up in the lives of her adult clients. She wrote a blog to help you name the ways your mind, body, and heart are ready to start healing.
While attending a conference, a speaker* gave an illustration about trauma I have never forgotten. If you were to set 10 glass cups on a table and then push all of the cups off the edge onto the floor, they would each be broken in unique ways.
One glass will have many stress fractures running through it. Another will have a small, barely noticeable chip. And another could be shattered into many, many pieces.
When we experience something deeply distressing or disturbing, the impact and effects can vary greatly from person to person. Your unique response to trauma is your mind and body’s best effort to protect yourself and heal.
It is common to wish that you could respond in different way: be more resilient, less affected, stronger, protected yourself better… As children we do the best we can in situations that we should never have had to experience in the first place.
One of the ways that we try to cope with the trauma that we have experienced is to push it as far back in our mind as possible. So far back that we can almost trick ourselves into believing that it never happened. This is a natural way that we protect ourselves. It’s very human. It works really well, until one day something reminds you that you really did experience that thing.
Anything can remind you of this: a smell, a sound, a song, an interaction with another person.
Here are three common experiences that can bring to the forefront a childhood trauma:
1. When I parent…
As I love my daughter, as I hold her close and tell her that she is an amazing little girl, I realize that those words weren’t spoken over me, that I wasn’t held close when I needed comfort. I have been made aware of the needs that I had as a little girl that my own parents didn’t meet.
2. When I date…
I find myself wanting to get closer to him, but something keeps me from trusting him fully. I have found myself with one emotionally unavailable partner after another. Why do I keep dating people who I need to “fix”?
3. When I notice my bodily sensations…
I notice myself feeling uncomfortable, anxious, numb, or angry when someone tries to give me a hug or touches my hand. Or when my husband touches me a certain way I feel uncomfortable and sometimes shut down. I may even feel anxious or violated while being safely, consensually touched.
These examples might be very close to what you’ve recently experienced in your adult life. If that’s the case, I might be the therapist for you. The memories resulting from childhood abuse that you hold in our mind, heart, and body are painful. I am passionate about helping women to health from their past experiences of abuse in order to live full and happy lives.
Revisiting your story, grieving, finding resilience, and living from a confident and joyful place is a journey that requires a lot of support. Together we can work towards safely and compassionately listening to your thoughts, body cues, emotional reactions, and relational needs.
I consider it a privilege to join you in this healing process.
Reach out to me via email: kelsey@evergreencounseling.co or call me at 630-480-0060 x. 711
*Schultz, T. (December 2018). Reflections: A GC2 Summit on responding to sexual harassment, abuse, and violence. Discussion panel for the GC2 Summit at the Billy Graham Center at Wheaton College, Wheaton, IL.