Is your partner protective? Maybe you call them “jealous”. It could be abuse. Photo credit: Alex Iby via Unsplash.
Written by Julia Vickers, almft
Let’s talk about abuse in close relationships. What it feels like, why it can be hard to identify and the different ways it can occur. Read to the end to figure out if you or a loved one needs healing from an abusive relationship.
When we are young, we trust to survive. There is no choice for a child BUT to trust. Our parents, caregivers, teachers and community leaders are our trusted, nurturing figures. Sometimes they can be our heroes. We also rely on relationships to survive well into adulthood. Humans are relational by nature and thrive when we can take part in loving and caring relationships with others. Unfortunately, these valuable connection can sometimes be the place where tremendous hurt and betrayal occurs.
What happens when our childhood hero, our source of protection and love, hurts us instead? What happens when we are abused by a peer or romantic partner? What if we are “abused” by these important people in our lives?
The Role of Power
For abuse to occur there has to be a power differential or an imbalance/difference in power between the parties involved in the relationship.
This means that one person in the relationship has more power and influence due to age, physical size difference, financial status or status as a leader. Between peers (friends of the same age or life stage) this can be harder to detect, but power in the form of “a stronger personality” or more popularity among the larger peer group can be a form of power that makes this differential clear.
In relationship, this power difference can make you more dependent on them than they are on you. For example, a child is dependent on a caregiver in significant and obvious ways. In a friendship, a more introverted or easy-natured friend can be “dependent” on their extroverted and forceful friend to connect with a broader social circle.
The existence of a power differential is not automatically bad - it’s neutral and can be used for good things in relationships. A vulnerable child needs to receive caretaking from their parent. A student may benefit greatly from the compassionate tutoring of a trusted teacher to excel in academic work.
Therefore, it is tragic when power is misused in these connections to control, harm, and ultimately abuse the vulnerable party. Vulnerability is a state that is natural for people across the lifespan and allows for relationships to be nurturing and satisfying for both parties. Parents love to care for their children, and teachers enjoy imparting knowledge to their students.
how does it feel to be in an abusive relationship?
If you have experienced abuse, here are some ways you might find yourself thinking or feeling about your relationship with your abuser:
“Sometimes I feel like I’m crazy when we talk.”
“I can’t think clearly when we are together.”
“I freeze up and go along with whatever they want.”
“I feel anxious when we spend time together because they have unpredictable moods that I try hard to prepare myself for.”
“I spend a lot of time trying to figure out how they are feeling rather than focusing on myself.”
“I am scared to really share how I feel because it never ends well, sometimes it ends horribly.”
Have you ever found yourself feeling or thinking this way?
These thoughts are common when you are in a relationship that is abusive. These are all signs of your fight-flight-freeze (parasympathetic nervous system) activating. When you are in an abusive relationship, your body is aware of DANGER. Your body intrinsically knows that there IS a power differential, and can assess very quickly that you are decidedly on the losing end of the power dynamic. You might realize that you feel very angry, anxious or shut down around this person. We tend to ignore or deny when our own body is telling us we are in danger but it is important to not to tune out your body’s signals when valuable feedback is being shared. There is wisdom in your experience.
how can abuse be identified?
Abuse can happen both in obvious or disguised ways. Many times people struggle to identify abusive relationships for two reasons: the comparison trap and the complex nature of human relationships.
First, they compare their situation to other relationships where more overt abuse happens (physically being hit) and decide it isn’t “as bad as that”. This rationalization isn’t foolish or something that should be judged harshly. Humans are wired for relationships and rationalizing your situation to minimize abuse is a survival skill. Unfortunately, this defense mechanism is also deeply unhelpful for an important reason - Psychological and emotional damage occurs despite “severity” of abuse. So, denial of abuse allows it to continue and stalls people from getting help.
Second, it is always complicated. Abusers are human and in need of their own healing. As a victim, you have probably witnessed the pain and brokenness of the abuser and desire to help them. You might know that your dad “had a hard childhood” and think “he doesn’t know better.” Your compassion is honorable and human, but it can be confusing when you’re being hurt by a person you understand and love. On a practical note, speaking out or leaving an abusive relationship can also be complicated if your daily life depends on that person. Leaving an abusive spouse can be hard for a father who is worried about how a divorce will affect his children. A young adult might be worried about losing financial support if they confront an abusive parent.
what are different types of Abuse?
Verbal/Emotional (Psychological) Abuse: Often occurs in following relationships: teacher/student, parent/child, employer/employee and between romantic partners. Victims experience gaslighting, bullying, control over minor and major decisions, isolation from other relationships, condescending/extremely critical comments, catastrophizing to create fear in individuals, invalidation of the feelings of victims, etc.
Examples include: “You disappointed me again. That’s why I lose my temper, so you remember not to disappoint me.” Insults, name-calling, “You’re so lazy, stupid, dramatic, sensitive.”
Physical Abuse: Any intentional act causing injury or trauma to another person or animal by way of bodily contact. In most cases, children are the victims of physical abuse, but adults can also be victims, as in cases of domestic violence or workplace aggression, with the important detail that the person IN POWER over another is the one doing the abuse.
Examples include: A supervisor or adult doing violence to property, throwing items against the wall, punching or destroying furniture, all with the intention to intimidate a subservient employee or vulnerable party.
Sexual Abuse (Molestation): Undesired sexual behavior by one person towards another. It is often perpetrated using force or by taking advantage of another, with one party exerting power over another person. The term also covers any behavior by an adult or older adolescent (ie, the person with power) towards a child to stimulate them or the child sexually. The use of a child, or other individuals younger than the age of consent, for sexual stimulation is referred to as child sexual abuse or statutory rape.
Spiritual Abuse: When a leader in a powerful role uses your shared religious teachings/beliefs to manipulate your thoughts, feelings, or choices. Abuse can be either malicious or unintentional in these settings and aimed at vulnerable members. Some religious abuse is very calculated, while other abusers control/manipulate others due to extremist beliefs (I.e. fears that not transmitting correct religious teaching is irresponsible). Can leave the victim with a profound sense of shame/confusion about themselves.
Examples include: Giving “God” the credit for the abuser’s agenda. “God will be pleased if you obey your pastors. God will be disappointed in you if you make that choice.” Expressing extreme anxiety, concern, worry, disappointment when the vulnerable party questions religious teaching or practices religious rites in a way that the abuser does not “approve of”.
You deserve help in recovery from abuse
If you resonate with any of this and want to learn how to create safe relationships in your life, therapy is one of the tools to help you process your experience and learn how to set healthy boundaries in the future.
Seeking help anyway is important and here’s why: the psychological damage a victim experiences SHAPES the way they see and experience their OWN LIVES and the world around them. Your life becomes a REACTION to DANGER rather than RESPONDING to CHOICES. Your life choices, and especially relationships, become burdensome and joyless instead of exciting and fulfilling.
The abuser holds more control over your life than you do - making the world a dangerous place. Seeing yourself and others through this lens often leads to a variety of mental illnesses that can leave one feeling very alone, misunderstood and deeply fearful.
Recovery from abuse is not impossible and leads to the growth necessary to live a life that is vibrant and filled with happiness.