Yes to the “repeat” part… No to the “doomed.”
by Priscilla Dean, MS, LCPC
“All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does, and that is his.” –Oscar Wilde
Last week, a whole 2.5yrs into the pandemic, a bunch of my closest friends and inner circle got Covid. Incredibly, neither me nor my immediate family members have been afflicted yet. (Yet.).
And so I responded. There was an emergency in my circle! I went into total autopilot.
Do you know what my autopilot is? Cooking, actually.
I cooked, like, a LOT. I made gourmet, delicious, amazing, body nourishing food for my friends and neighbors. Like, overnight bone broth and homemade soup and pan gingery-garlicky fried rice.
Now keep in mind: I have three small children. I own and run a business of 9 staff. I have so extra much time to be doing this, right? When I plopped my body on the couch at the end of last week, and looked at my husband–he casually commented to me (oh so gently, of course): “You’re being like your mother again.”
And I quickly retorted:``Okay, buzz off.” (Alright, I definitely didn’t say that, so imagine the R rated version of this sentiment.) But as I went to bed, I slowed down my body and mind enough to consider–well dammit. There she is again, my mother. My dependable, predictable, autopilot. My pattern; my “normal” when I don’t choose intentionally what is best for me, or my body.
(I want to also give a disclaimer before I go further–I felt damn proud of how much I can help my neighbors and friends in need. Being sick with Covid– with the very virus that has halted and permanently harmed society for the last two years–one often feels isolated, alone, and scared. A thoughtful, delicious meal can absolutely go a long way, and I have few regrets for my autopilot’s actions here. Unlike other patterns I’ve not described here, I came to little personal harm in this example.)
But this is the theme of this blog: What is your autopilot?
Can you change it?
Do you *really* have freedom of choice?
How much is your shadow/unconconscious/blindspots/attachment issues really driving the show when it comes to who you date, who you marry, what job environment you stay in, how you decide to handle intimacy, conflict and sex?
Just a young me, getting married and starting my journey to creating my own family.
Back to my mother.
She exhibits many Enneagram 2 qualities–the Helper. Self sacrificing to the point of burnout and rageful resentment, her pride refusing to acknowledge her physical, bodily limitations or heck, even the clock-on-the-wall time limitations–all in the service of helping the vulnerable, needy “Other” in her path. (God love Twos). Growing up, helping others was modeled and of course, very ingrained in me–even as I sought to distance myself from her frightening verbal and physical abuse in her parenting.
As a child I vowed solemnly and repeatedly… I would never be like her.
…(As neuroscience and Oscar Wilde laughed).
Even with such vows declared, I have come to understand: I cannot undo my autopilot. I cannot unlearn what I learned from my mother.
What I know now as a therapist is something I want every one of my clients and readers to understand:
There is a very normal, human phenomenon as we age: the need to re-enact our primal, childhood relationship patterns in adulthood.
Humans are creatures of habit, which means that we will make behavior choices based on familiarity and daily survival, more often than we make choices based on what will make us satisfied or happy. (Isn’t that a crazy idea? Our brains actually care less about happiness than it does about survival based on familiarity).
Humans also do this outside of a family or partnership context, too.
Humans often "re-enact" job environments and social groups, based on familiarity and daily survival, more than they make choices based on long term job satisfaction, social acceptance or fulfillment.
In my own cooking example, what was familiar to me in my social context was responding with food. Responding to HELP in any way I could, no matter the physical or emotional cost–this was “natural” to me. This choice to cook until I dropped didn’t take much planning or intentionality.
Now let’s make it Freudian and sexual.
You will likely re-enact your parent's relationship with your partner.
Specifically, you will re-enact your parent/child relationship in your choice of a partner. They might look like your parent, act like your parent, or some upsetting combination of both.
You will act in the same patterned, autopilot ways that you did with your parent when you were growing up. If you avoided your parent when they were upset with you, take a wild guess what you will likely do with your partner. If your adolescent self enjoyed a good conflict with your parent, you likely enjoy a good conflict with your partner, too.
On the other hand, this re-enacting phenomenon isn't always "bad" or harmful. For instance, if your parents' relationship was fairly healthy and balanced, and your relationship with both parents was one of mutual respect, these re-enactments can be a gift to your current partners.
Okay, let’s be real. This topic usually isn’t discussed in context where we are so grateful for our parent’s “gifts” in our current relationship patterns.
Usually, (and, keep in mind, this is only for the brave humans among us) we’re forced to examine our autopilot relationship reenactments because these wonderful respectful patterns in childhood were not the case.
Let’s look at the patterns…
Maybe you are burned out, AGAIN. You are being that a$$hole, again. You can’t stop working. You can’t stop shutting down in conflict, AGAIN. You cheated on your partner, AGAIN. You got fired, AGAIN. When you’re so overwhelmed and depressed– so you come to my office and plop down on MY couch and tell me you can’t stop your “self-sabotaging patterns.” That’s when we start talking about your autopilot.
And so I say: maybe we should take a closer look at what your brain decides is normal for survival.
If there was abuse…
If there is abuse, neglect or other harmful patterns in our family of origin, there inlies our trauma pattern, waiting to be re-enacted. Oftentimes we don't need to look any further than the qualities that are found in our unique sexual attraction, or our choice of a best friend, or our social groups that we're drawn to.
It's almost as if in adulthood our traumatized brain wants a chance "to do it right this time". We need just enough familiarity to be drawn to a person or environment, and then we usually repeat much of what transpired in our family of origin.
In therapy, my clients describe a heavy helplessness to change when they notice these patterns in themselves. They carry a sense of doomed destiny when they realize they are only attracted to "bad boys" or "intense people" or have eroticized people violating our boundaries in one way or another, rejecting the safer potential partners or social groups as "boring" or "not their kind of people".
Sometimes among my colleagues I've seen this pattern called "toxic attraction". But I dislike this accusatory, un-compassionate label. It also discounts the agency, development and growth in humans when we decide we will no longer tolerate being harmed. It discounts the empowerment that happens when we begin to understand that what qualities we are attracted to in a group or a person may actually need to be examined more closely before we decide these qualities are trustworthy. Reflection of our auto-pilot + intentional, purposeful action based on our chosen values = magic!
You are not doomed.
Basically, don't freak out if you see patterns of "re-enactment" in your family of origin and your current relationships/social groups. You are bound to re-enact most patterns, like the rest of us. But–when you receive awareness of WHAT you're drawn to, and have compassion on your unique story of WHY you're drawn to these, therein lies the opportunity for the opposite of doomed destiny: personal, empowered choice.
And more than that, this awareness of your reenactment patterns brings a brand new capacity to heal from what you never received from a caregiver. Now you can ASK those in your life NOW for safety, respect, and literally whatever else you didn't receive in childhood.
You can notice that you’re cooking too many things and say, you know what–maybe it’s okay if I say no to the next emergency to help. You really can “do it right this time”! But not in the same exact way it was modeled to you–instead, understand you can’t change your autopilot tendencies–instead, lead yourself with the awareness that your autopilot patterns bring you! You can say…
..you know what, it feels really scary to go to therapy and examine why I keep getting fired, why I keep dumping partners that treat me kindly and respectfully, why I keep working too much and avoid my partner and my kids, why I keep drinking or smoking to avoid my reality.
If you face your autopilot pattern–it will give you free choice, free will.
And bonus! If you're a parent, the most amazing thing can happen when you notice these patterns in yourself too: you can be a generation cycle breaker to help your little humans re-enact more respectful patterns in THEIR futures.
You don’t have to repeat a tragedy, no matter what Oscar Wilde predicts. (Also, plenty of men turn out like their mothers, and lots of women don’t, so let’s be real, sometimes those facts are a tragedy, too.)
Thanks for reading! If you want to examine your autopilot patterns further, therapy including shadow work and a trauma informed perspective is your best method.
Priscilla Dean, MS, LCPC