As a man who hasn’t approached middle age yet, I have seen plenty of grief in my life so far.
David Klemm, LPC Licensed Professional Counseslor
Hi, my name is David, and I want to share my experience working with grief and loss.
Nowhere has grief and hope been more meaningful to me than during my time volunteering in a local cancer center. Everyday, I saw individuals facing a devastating diagnosis with varying outcomes of survival.
My emotions, as it turned out, were entirely necessary as a volunteer. I felt deep affection for these patients. I laughed. (You must learn to laugh if you have decided to grieve with someone.) Predictably, I cried quite a bit, too. But most meaningful of all, I actually learned how to live my life from these suffering individuals.
Rarely did I walk into the cancer center and feel like the grief was overwhelming. Rare was my experience that all I found was nothing but despair. Instead, most consistently, I walked into the cancer center and found something entirely unexpected: I found hope.
I remember the first time I lost an individual in that cancer center that I grew close to.
Let’s call her Kay.
Kay would be there every time I was with her family. Kay had a severe diagnosis, with a lengthy chemo fight behind her. But I never saw her not smiling. Her spirit was full of life, drawing everyone to her. I easily connected with her and her family, joking and laughing. One day towards the end of my shift, Kay called me over to her. She informed me she was discontinuing chemotherapy treatments. I hugged her and her family and wished them the best. I told them how just getting to know them had made a huge impact on me.
She said she would come visit. I knew this was the last time I would ever see her, yet somehow, unexpectedly, I was at peace. Death came swiftly for Kay. She passed three days later.
When we grieve, the journey can take us on many detours.
Some detours can be healthy.
Some detours can be unhealthy, but most find themselves in grief to be somewhere in the middle.
Usually, this journey involves anger.
Rage. Sometimes substance abuse. Oftentimes depression, a deep sense of meaninglessness. Oftentimes anxiety. Fear in grief is very real. When the writer CS Lewis lost his wife due to cancer he said: “No one ever told me that grief felt so like fear. I am not afraid, but the sensation is like being afraid.” But everyone’s journey is different, each grief journey is as unique as the relationship we had with our lost loved one.
The grief process is often unpredictable; it’s usually non-linear. You will need a special kind of courage that comes from allowing yourself to be vulnerable. The courage to face your pain, and to allow yourself to feel hope.
Another lesser understood idea about grief is that we rarely grief one loss at a time.
Instead the truth is this. When we lose someone, we tend to feel all of our losses all at once. When we lose someone new, we grieve all the griefs we’ve ever endured at the same time. It can be absolutely crushing, especially if we’re experts at avoiding emotional pain. It takes tremendous courage to allow the pain of our grief(s) to wash over us. To allow it, moment by moment, or to endure each new season without our loved one–it takes tremendous courage.
With all this pain, you need hope along the way. Here is what I’ve found:
There is an important outcome to this courageous act of grieving on purpose. It also can become the place where new strengths can be found. In courageously allowing our grief to be present, we can find that steely, lively resolve to continue to live our best life. Our chosen life.
In conclusion, grief leads us towards despair and pain. But this doesn’t have to be the end. The end of grief is hope. The memories we have of those we have lost do not have to fade. They can be remembered and learned from long after they are gone. Their bodies leave us, their spirits do fade from our lives–but our love for them can be carried in our hearts forever. Let us strive to learn and live fully from the losses we all have to face. Death is not the only story.
On the other side of grief, you can find your own life.
If you’ve lost someone, whether it was recently or long ago, and these words have comforted you, don’t hesitate to reach out. My name is David Klemm, and I really find a lot of meaning working with clients who have endured grief and loss. I would love to learn about who you’ve lost, or to help you along if you have found yourself stuck on your grief journey.