Have you ever been frustrated with yourself and had the thought, “What is wrong with me?,” or worse yet, has anyone ever said that spitefully to you?
This question can echo for years inside of our hearts, inside of our bodies. Let’s address it with self-compassion.
I want to invite you to participate in a short exercise with me.
Before we begin, I will ask that you try to let yourself have this experience even if it feels “weird.” Trust me on this one. It’s important to allow yourself to have compassion for yourself.
Beginning of the exercise
Sit back, take 3 deep breaths. Think back to a time when you were younger than you are now, preferably sometime before your teenage years. Now, I want you to look through your memories for a specific time when you were feeling sad, or maybe a time when you were feeling scared. Maybe you had just gotten your report card and your grades weren’t “the best,” or maybe you happened to stain your new clothes or spilled some milk on the kitchen counter. Maybe the memory that comes to mind is when you got into a fight with a friend. Maybe you lost someone or something you loved. Maybe you experienced rejection by your peers. Maybe a crush absolutely made you want to crawl into a hole and disappear.
Do you have your memory? Good!
Remember how it felt to be that age? Now. If you can get out of the “feels” of rejection, pain or loss, try and become curious about this time of your life.
What were you like? What did you like to do?
Stay for a second with this memory. How long has it been since you thought about this?
Now, when you were this age, is there a place you would go to whenever you felt sad or scared? (e.g. the park, your room, your backyard, etc?). Picture the details of this place for a moment.
Why did you go there? Did it feel safe to be there? What was comforting about being there? I want you to try to picture yourself at that age, in that state, and in that place. That is, imagine your younger self, in a vulnerable state, in a place that feels safe to you.
Using all your powers of imagination try to notice the details of that place, with your younger self, taking refuge here. What is your posture like? What does your face look like? Are you crying? Are you mad? Are you hunched over? Do you feel defeated or embarrassed? Or, did you maybe grab a snack or turn on the TV to distract yourself?
Again, let’s stay here for a second. Noticing and remembering. Let’s slow down enough to keep ourselves company during that time.
What are some thoughts or feelings that come up for you, your current YOU, when you see your younger self like that?
Do you feel sad, or maybe anxious? What are your initial reactions? What is your gut telling you to do/feel? Do you feel tempted to offer comfort? Do you feel anxious to take the pain away? How would you do that? What would you say? Is there any part of you that would walk up to that young, vulnerable person and harshly say, “what is wrong with you”? Why? Or, why not?
If you feel compassion for or desire to extend kindness to that younger version of yourself, congratulations. This is self-compassion. You have found your inner well of self-compassion, for the significant, vulnerable parts of you that desperately need it. Write down what you wanted to say to comfort your younger self. Carry that phrase with you when you feel ashamed, or that there is “something wrong with you.”
You don’t need compassion from others as much as you need it from YOURSELF.
-End of the exercise-
I want to thank you for participating in this exercise with me. I don’t know about you, but I find myself feeling all sorts of strong emotions as I think about what it would be like to speak harshly to my child self in that state. Grief and anger are only slightly overpowered by the sense of wanting to protect and rescue that little girl from being exposed to the harshness and impatience of the world.
The funny thing is, I speak harshly to myself ALL. THE. TIME!
Isn’t that ironic? (Yes, even therapists aren’t full of compassion towards themselves.)
What is it about adulthood that gives us a license to be cynical and harsh to ourselves in a way that we wouldn’t be with our younger selves?
The way we talk about and to ourselves has tremendous power over us.
“Our inner voice can either address our needs or ignore them.”
I don’t mean mystical power or metaphysical power (although there are some who believe this). I mean that the way we talk to ourselves often translates to behaviors. Our inner voice can either address our needs or ignore them. Our inner voice matters in that we can either be nurturing or destructive. We can either guide ourselves towards healing or we can walk towards shame.
There is one thing that harsh speech, critical self-view, and self shaming have in common: these are learned behaviors. At some point in your life you noticed that others were doing it and you started to adopt these same strategies to deal with yourself, and in turn, with others and with the rest of the world. Let’s think about this for a second.
When you hear yourself being critical of yourself and others, whose voice is it?Who does it remind you of? A parent? A partner? A teacher? A religious leader? Who did you learn this from?
What messages did you start believing about yourself that were rooted in shame, frustration, or criticism? Some common ones are, “I’m not good enough,” “I’m problematic,” “Nobody will ever love me like this,” “I can never get it right,” “There’s no hope for me,” or “There is something wrong with me.”
How are these “strategies” of negative self-talk affecting your life now? What would it be like to learn to be gracious with yourself? How would your life be different?
Your life can be different. The thing about learned behaviors is that they can be unlearned. They can be replaced with new behaviors. A good place to start is to begin noticing the times and circumstances that bring forth your inner critic.
Acknowledge your inner critic’s presence and then decide to have a chat with it. (Yes, you’re talking to yourself!)
Ask them to sit back and let you handle the situation. You got this. Next, notice the feelings that come up about yourself and try to offer yourself kindness and compassion instead, similar to the way you would offer comfort to a child. Offer your inner child the care that they deserved but rarely got. Lastly, praise yourself for choosing to do things differently, for choosing self-care and self-love over harshness. Even if it feels weird or if you don’t think you are “doing it right” keep going! You are worth it!
Thank you for stepping into this vulnerable space with me. My name is Adriana, and I hope to continue this kind of work with you, if you want to join me! I’m taking new clients at this time. Contact our office and let them know you want to start working with me! I can’t wait to meet you and continue your self-compassion journey.